A reader writes:

I am from Kentucky and was raised in a very strong Christian home. Within the past couple of years I have rejected Christianity and my parents and family are none too happy to say the least. I am the black sheep. Not only am I gay but an atheist who has been looking to Buddhism as a way to deal with the stress of my family. So my question is this. I have a cousin who is very judgmental of everyone. She is one of those Christians who knows she is always right and it’s her duty to tell the rest of the world how wrong we all are. She preaches harshly towards me about going to Hell and how wrong I am for being gay. Funny thing is, she has many skeletons in her own closet she wouldn’t want anyone to know about. I can honestly say, I don’t like her.

How do I deal with these feelings? I know we will see each other many times at family functions but, I want to be able to talk to her with out my very strong negative feelings for her getting in the way. Any insight would be helpful. And please keep in mind, I really don’t like her. 🙂 also, when are you going to start more podcasts? I have not heard all of them yet so you may have answered this and I just not gotten there yet.

Thanks again! Your show has been the best help for me in searching and learning the Buddhist way so far. I have much respect for you!

My Response:

First of all, accept that you can’t change her. I know how it is when you want to prove someone else’s beliefs are wrong. You use logic and common sense, and facts and science; the other person may defend their beliefs for a little while, but eventually just reverts to “Well, that’s what I believe anyway, it’s all just faith.” You cannot win this argument at a family gathering. It just isn’t going to happen, especially in a discussion with a woman who has zero respect for your thoughts, wishes, and choices. You are wrong in her eyes, and nothing short of time and exposure to you can change that.

As far as her being a hypocrite with her own skeletons, I assume you aren’t the only one in the family who realizes this. It’s been said that you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. Sometimes we get stuck with someone we’d rather not have to deal with; you don’t get that choice either. One of your big consolations is knowing that everyone else knows she’s a hypocrite, even if they aren’t her target or victim.

None of the above is especially Buddhist, and I’m sure anyone could have told you that. If you don’t like her as much as you say, it would probably just be to everyone’s benefit to avoid her, but that’s not always going to be possible with family gatherings and the like.

Probably the worst problem I see here is that you are holding onto this anger and hate. That’s not good. Rather than dwell on this hateful woman’s words and attacks, just drop it. Give it no more thought than last Tuesday’s weather. A Buddhist wouldn’t attach any importance to her words. You realize her words are only words, and they are impermanent. Let them go right through you or make them slide off. Is she going to change anyone’s mind with her ranting, either yours or someone in your family? Probably not. Most of all, don’t extend the argument or fight back.

She is as impermanent as you are; don’t dwell on the argument; there are some things you cannot change.

At least that’s my opinion. Others, feel free to chime in on this in the comment section below.

A reader wrote:

I’ve been studying Buddhism and meditating.  A Christian friend (7th-Day Adventist) told me that quoting Buddha on Facebook is evil because he has a hole in his back that they put evil spirits into.  Has anyone else ever heard this ridiculous belief?  I just don’t know how to respond to her because I’m new to all of this, and I don’t want to offend her.  I didn’t answer her at all.  Maybe that’s best anyway.

My Response:

Wow. That’s a new one to me. Never heard that before.

It’s got the ring of truth to it, so I wouldn’t say there’s absolutely nothing to it. I suspect there’s probably some group out there that has some tradition or ceremony where they write down their troubles on a note and drop them into a hole in his back. I can imagine that being a tradition somewhere, sure. Is it an accepted thing among Buddhists in General? No, of course not. There’s not a thing I have ever seen in any historical text that comes anywhere close to this story.

It’s probably similar to a non-Christian assuming that all Christians handle snakes. Yes, some do it, but it’s absolutely not typical. This is probably the way I’d try to explain it to your friend. The world is a big place, it’s dangerous to make assumptions and generalizations.

A reader wrote in:

Buddhism has helped me find my path from and out of suffering. Recently I joined a Mayahana temple, I would like to know, can I stop by any temple daytime to meditate in the temple hall, or just bow? What are usually the norms, because I would like to stop by and meditate and respect the Buddha for 20 minutes after my work day, as it is on my way home, and the atmosphere would further my daily path.

I would like to know really, what are the “during the day” procedures for most temples. And what as a patron are you expected to generally follow, and what are the traditions for burning incense for example.

I found out that before entering the big hall with the Buddhas you ned to take off your shoes, you need to remain as silent as possible while in the temple, Etc.

This would be of some interest to beginners I believe.

Wishing you peace and wisdom.

My Response:

The problem with this topic is that every temple has different rules.  I could tell you about the temples around here, but they certainly won’t be the same where you live. Your best bet is to simply give them a call and ask what hours they are open. Some temples and centers in America are not very busy and may have very limited hours, while others are thriving and open 24/7… it just depends on them.

The ones here in Dayton, for example, are only open a few hours on Saturday and Sunday, while they are closed throughout the week except for special events. I suspect this is the norm unless you are in a very large or very diverse city.

Good luck

A reader write in and asked:

First of all, I’d like to thank you for the wisdom and honesty you show your listeners with answering all these questions and giving insight into the fundamentals of Buddhism. I am relatively new to Buddhism, mediation (and yoga), so you podcasts and articles are very welcome indeed. With the growing audience you probably have received a question like mine before, but I’ll give a try nevertheless.

Right now I am going through a difficult time as a result of the breakup of my relationship. You can say that by attaching too much to my loved one, I face a lot of suffering now that the relationship is over. I am wondering how to find a good way to love someone with all your heart and soul (girlfriend and stepchild in my case) but not to get too much attached. I know that Buddhism won’t tell you not to love anyone but have you or other people thoughts to help me with this dilemma?

My Response:

You say you are suffering, and that’s always bad, but it’s normal and to be expected during a time of loss, even for a Buddhist.

You are absolutely right that there is a little bit of a conflict there. You aren’t supposed to get too attached to people or things, yet you are allowed (strongly encouraged even) to love others. Buddhists believe that the problem is not the attachment to others in itself, the problem is grasping too hard to hold on to these things, and suffering over the fear that you will lose them.

Death, divorce, breakups, or even just growing apart, happen to couples all the time. Sooner or later all relationships come to an end, and most of those endings will be painful to some extent. What can you do? Expect it. Plan for it. Don’t become attached to the idea that you can control it or stop it; you can’t. Sometimes you can hold back a breakup or keep the relationship going with effort, but even then, sooner or later, you will be parted. Know this, and when the time comes, accept it. After the separation comes, don’t dwell on it or become attached to the way things used to be. Look to the future; look to new relationships.

A reader writes:

First of all: thank you for the podcast and website.  It has been extremely educational.

I am very new to Buddhism, I don’t really consider myself a Buddhist yet, but I am soaking up all the ideas like a curious child.  I came drawn to it through the desire to practice meditation and naturally started doing my research.

My question is this:  I know now that it is Buddhist practice to refrain from alcohol and drugs in order to keep a clear mind and so as not to do harm to others, but in the past I have taken mind altering substances such as magic mushrooms, and feel they have opened up my mind and allowed me to look at things from a more spiritual point of view.  Many cultures in the world embrace various “teacher plants” as a path towards spiritual enlightenment.  I honestly feel that some of the revelations I’ve had while on mushrooms have taught me some of the truths of Buddhism before I even heard of them as such.  How can something so spiritually powerful be a negative thing to one’s enlightenment and education?

Thanks so much

My Response:

Because it’s not real. The prohibition against alcohol and drugs are not solely for the purpose of avoiding doing harm to others as you say; they are there because they cloud your judgement and make meditation more difficult. Those other cultures that you speak of don’t place the same emphasis on meditation and reaching Enlightenment as Buddhism does.

A Buddhist wants a clear mind (Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration) and one of the goals of all that meditation is to learn mental control and achieve mental clarity. You cannot reach that state artificially; it might seem like a good idea, but it’s not.

Some kinds of drugs lead to addiction. I shouldn’t have to point out the problems with that kind of attachment. Another point to consider is long-term effects and flashbacks. I’m no doctor, but I have heard that drugs such as LSD can cause flashbacks and hallucinations years after ingestion. That kind of lack of self-control is not something with which a Buddhist would want to deal.

I’m curious as to what those revelations were about, drop me a note!