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By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A reader writes:
I have just recently started listening to your podcasts and I am hooked. I was first introduced to Buddhism in a religious studies course and was immediately intrigued. I’ve always wanted to learn more and try to put it into practice, but I didn’t know where to begin and most books and lectures I have on the subject seem confusing and complex. Your podcast is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I can follow it, it’s simple, and I can get a clear understanding of what Buddhism is all about.
I am a 23 year-old university student trying to finish my undergrad. It has been really tough because I also suffer from anxiety disorders and depression. I had fairly severe concussion in my second year of school which exacerbated my preexisting poor mental health. I should have quit school then. I always knew it wasn’t for me and I felt like I didn’t belong there, but I stayed in denial thinking that it will get better and I’ll make it work. This never happened, but I tried again this year to get closer to graduation and now I am almost done the school year but I’m failing my courses and am too far to recover. In my mind, I don’t believe I can graduate and even if I get second chances to finish papers I know I will squander them. The anxiety and depression have negativity taking over my entire being, it is hard to get out of once you are sucked into it. When I don’t have to think about school, or do school work, or even just attend classes, I feel so incredibly relieved.
The problem is that so much time and money have been spent, all for me to just drop out and not graduate. It is hard to stay in a positive state of mind about it. I feel guilt, anger, frustration, self loathing… all of these negative things. There is a push from my family to find other options, a different program, a transfer to college, anything to take advantage of the credits I already have. I don’t want to do this, I just want to put this in the past and move forward. But how can I quit knowing how much I have wasted? This is where depression and anxiety really kick in and become debilitating.
 I guess basically my main dilemma at the moment is: should I find a way to make school work, whether changing my program, transferring credits to another school or whatever… or do I just leave school and move on, do some research and find something I’m interested in (also another reason I feel so trapped, I don’t know what to do if I’m not at university).
From just the few podcasts I’ve listened to I see so much potential for Buddhism to help me; with my anxiety, depression, self confidence, self hatred… and how to deal with school.
This was more of a novel than I intended to write, but I just had to get all of that out. I’m really looking forward to hearing the rest of the podcasts, thank you for doing them!
And my response:
There’s a lot of information that you aren’t telling me, such as how long you’ve got left, what country you live in, and what your major is. You don’t say it explicitly, but I’m assuming you are about to finish your third year of a four year program.
I teach college, and sooner or later, every student feels like quitting. I thought about it myself “back in the day.” Self-doubt and hard times are normal for a student, and my advice is always to stick it out if you possibly can. Those student loans aren’t going away (assuming you’re an American, other countries might be more forgiving).
You say you feel trapped when not at University, so I assume you don’t want to quit because you’ve better things to do. I’ve covered Depression and Dealing With Hatred (not specifically self-hatred, but much of that applies) before, so check out those older posts.
You’re failing your classes, so you’ve made some mistakes and possibly bad choices,that much is clear. Now, the question is, do you want to dwell on the past (grasping), or move on to the future? You’re beating yourself up over whatever mistakes you’ve made, and that’s poisoning your whole experience at school. Without knowing your major, I can’t comment on your career outlook, but most of the time, a degree is very important. Why would you want to sacrifice your future for a mistake you made in the past?
My Buddhist advice is to let the past go. Trying to change yesterday is only going to hurt your future prospects. Go ahead and accept the F’s and do better next term.
Another point is that you mention a concussion and mental issues. Are you taking medication? I am not a doctor, but that seems like an avenue you may want to investigate.
I don’t know the specifics, and it’s hard to give real advice, so I’m going out on a limb with all that. From my non-Buddhist experience, students that quit generally do regret it forever. If you’re going to be saddled with the debt, you may as well get the degree.
Good luck, and don’t give up!
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
Today, just a quick video.
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
Hey guys, just q quick note to let you know the new book is out. If you enjoyed “The Five-Minute Buddhist,” then this one takes up right where the other left off. If you noted that the first book didn’t get into meditation too heavily, it’s because I thought the subject was a little too big for that one.
It’s available for the Kindle immediately, with Nook and Paperback being available early next week.
The Five-Minute Buddhist Meditates: Getting Started in Meditation the Simple Way
By Brian Schell, October 2013
ISBN-13: 9781493571765
Publication date: 10/24/2013
Pages: 74
Amazon Link: http://t.co/PMGcU6T6PF
A jargon-free, plain language introduction to the basic concepts and styles of meditation and real-world applications. There’s no mystical mumbo-jumbo involved, just useful tips that will help you incorporate short, easy-to-follow meditation sessions into your daily life.
We’ll cover Buddhist-inspired meditation methods, such as Watching the Breath, Conceptual meditation, and Loving-Kindness meditations, as well as an overview of many other forms.
This book can be used as a companion book to the original Five-Minute Buddhist or read as a standalone book. No previous knowledge is required.
Chapter List:
1 Introduction/Foreword
2 Why Meditate?
3 Types of Mediation
4 First Steps
5 All That Buddhist Stuff
6 Next Steps
7 Involving Meditation in Your Life
8 Further Steps
9 Conclusion
10 Resources and Links
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A Reader Writes:
My wife has been poorly treated at work and bullied out of her Job. The company is not interested in what has happened, only keeping it all quiet as they are 60% funded by the Government. I feel that we should fight this even though the emotional cost and financial cost could be significant. Are we weak for not fighting? Are we letting others down who will experience the same from these people?
My Response:
It’s hard for me to answer specifically without knowing the details as to how bad the abuse was, and what kind of abuse it was. I assume that since you’re asking me, you want a response from the Buddhist perspective. Well, here goes. There are three points you need to consider:
1) Wife’s Ongoing Suffering?
Clearly there was abuse and your wife suffered. Is she over it? Is it done? Or has it done some kind of permanent damage to her? Be honest- is she really still suffering? Sometimes people “suffer” just for the benefit of a lawsuit, and that’s just wrong. If not, it might be time to just “get over it” and move on.
2) Suffering Caused by Fighting Back
You mention emotional and financial costs. Are these going to cause you additional suffering? I assume so. The question here is are you suffering more by fighting than if you do nothing?
3) Eliminating Suffering of Others
Sometimes, fighting back is the right thing. If you feel that this is going to be a serious issue for others, and that genuine ongoing harm is being done, then you have a certain duty to stand up and try to eliminate the problem.
Again, I don’t know the specifics enough to recommend anything, but these are three things that must be considered. I don’t envy you this kind of choice. Sometimes standing up for what’s right is very difficult, but it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes the fight is only going to extend the suffering.
The question to be asking yourself is, -is- this the right thing to do in this case?
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A Reader Wrote:
Hello Brian, I am married to a wonderful lady and it really bothers me to see her suffering over small things that I once suffered from.
Just this morning, we bounced a check and it was like we were going to be on skid row.
I try to share certain things with her without trying to cram it down her throat. I recall reading…”When the student is ready the teacher will arrive.” Also, I know that I’m not alone when it comes to wanting to share the methods that helped relieve some of my suffering. Sometimes I wonder (darn thinking! LOL) what it would be like if she sought the same types of things and understood that there is a way to enjoy our time here.
Acceptance, patience, being still and quiet are the things that seem to help me for now. If I’m missing something, or you have a tip for me, I would appreciate it.
My Response:
You quoted, “When the student is ready the teacher will arrive,” which is true.
Someone else who wasn’t Buddha, once said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.”
The problem with the situation you are describing is that the student isn’t ready. You say acceptance, patience, and being still have helped you. They’ve certainly helped me over the years as well. Some people, on the other hand, are just less passive, always feeling the need to “act.” I’m not saying there’s anything intrinsically wrong with that. I believe the psychologists when they say there are “Type A” and “Type B” personalities. Type B’s are much more passive, calm, and predisposed towards the quieter ideals of Buddhism. Type A people can do Buddhism too, of course, but it might be a little more difficult if they aren’t naturally drawn to it.
Next time you see she’s depressed, or in some state that you think you can help, simply ask her if she wants to know how you would deal with it. Explain it to her clearly and rationally. She’ll either show interest, or she won’t. As you said, short of shoving it down her throat, there’s not much else you ca do but gently bring it up once in a while.
Perhaps there will be some additional suggestions in the comment section below.
New Book: The Five-Minute Buddhist Meditates: http://amzn.to/17eZJ16
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A Reader Wrote:
Over the last week or so, I’ve been listening to the Daily Buddhism podcase. I started with 0, and now I’ve made it to 23. The Four Noble Truths, 8-fold Path and 5-Precepts helped me tremendously to determine what is basic.
This morning, I reached out to a local Buddhist community I found online; I plan to attempt a teaching session in a few days. I confess, I was a little taken aback by the chanting videos I saw on their web site.
Also this morning, I made it to episode 20 in your podcast teaching. You discussed that Tibetian Buddists chant in the Tibetian language. This was revealing.
I live in the Dayton, Ohio area as well. Is it still true that the only local community is Tibetian? I realize I’m listening to content from 2008. (Your story about the wind storm and subsequent power loss took me on a trip down memory lane.)
I’m hoping to hear another more ‘Zen-type’ group has surfaced in the last 5 years.
My Response:
I’ve included below a list of the groups/organizations I know of in the area. Be sure to note that I’ve not been to any of these, except Gar Drolma, and that was several years ago. I’m not recommending or endorsing any of these. There are probably others in the area that I don’t know about. If I’ve missed one, please post details in the comment section.
Also consider the Internet. There are many other great websites and podcasts out there pertaining to Buddhism and Meditation. Books, magazines, and videos are also available. Do not be afraid to “Go it alone” if your community doesn’t have what you want. Don’t ever feel that you need to go to some group that believes things that you don’t. Having a good Sangha (Community) is important, but in modern times, a Sangha doesn’t have to be local. It’s my opinion that there are many modern, and completely legitimate) substitutes for “Going to church on Sundays.”
But anyway, to answer your question:
The Dayton Area has a few Buddhist places now that weren’t around when I posted all that. Here’s an updated list:
Gar Drolma (Tibetan)
1329 Creighton Ave. Dayton, OH 45420 | (937) 252-2220
http://www.gardrolma.org
Soka Gakkai International (Soka Gakkai)
4700 Wilmington Pike, Kettering, OH. 45440 | 937.433.0097
http://sgi-usa.org/sgilocations/results_list.php?showonly=US&tab=US&distance=20&state=WV
Dharma Center of Dayton (Ekayana)
425 Patterson Road, Dayton, Ohio 45419 | 937-750-5416
http://www.rkina-dayton.com
Zen Fellowship of Dayton (Zen)
8690 Yankee Street, Dayton, Ohio 45458
http://www.cincinnatizencenter.org/zfd.html
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A long-time reader wrote:
You mentioned in several past episodes that you are not a Zen Master or Guru, and yet, you have taught hundreds if not thousands of disciples through your podcast. Does this not make you then a teacher of aspiring Buddhists? With the availability of the internet, it is likely your students/listeners have more information at their fingertips that aspiring Buddhists decades, centuries, or millennia ago did not have available. What exactly is required to *be* a Zen Master or teacher of Buddhism? The Buddha simply went around teaching and his students called him Teacher. Do you need some kind of ritual or official certificate to be a Teacher of Buddhism these days? Or were you just being humble and did you not realize that you are what you do?
My Response:
Traditionally with Zen, one master confers the title of “Master” on to very experienced students after so many years of study and meditation. There’s no official certificate or plaque, no, it’s just done when the old Master thinks the student is ready.
I didn’t study under a Master, and never have had one. I’ve taken college courses, and have a degree in “Comparative Religions.” I have a Minister’s License from the State of Ohio that allows me to marry people. I’ve read tons of books, watched umpteen videos, and practiced all kinds of meditation. I have to admit that I’ve experienced a lot of what Buddhism can offer. Does this make me the equal of a Zen Master? I don’t think so. I might go so far as to say I’m an “expert” at Buddhism, but I’d have to point out that even then, it’s mostly book-learning, not experiential.
Do I know more about Buddhism that the Masters a thousand of years ago? Probably, but only because there is so much more to know now than in those days (all those new sects and groups that didn’t exist back then, for one example), and the access to that information is so much easier today.
When I think of a modern “Master,” I think of Thich Nhat Hanh or Sheng Yen. Those guys are the real deal.
Am I a teacher of Buddhism? Absolutely. Am I good at it? I don’t know, but I like to think I have a fairly unique voice in the Buddhist community, and I’d also like to think it’s an honest one. My goal here is, and always has been, to clarify, simplify, and remove the layers of mystical jargon and mumbo-jumbo that tends to accumulate around Eastern religions.
Am I being humble? Probably a little. I’d like to call it something else… honesty.
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A reader writes:
Message: Hey Brian, really enjoy all the podcasts and this site. I have been studying Buddhism now for almost two years and my life gets better on a daily basis.
My question is : it seems that our purpose is to fully awaken and be free of attachment. Well it seems that no matter how conscious or aware we become living in a form world we will most likely be attached to something at our time of death. That being so and we get sent back for another round at life here. Do we lose the level of awareness that we left before? I know when we are born we are not conditioned and we are totally conscious. Is our destiny dependent on the whole society being more evolved towards awakening?? Because if not we could have a thousand more lifetimes here. Am I making any sense? If so what’s your take on it.
My Response:
Do we lose the level of awareness that we left before? Is our existence “Reset” every time around? Consciously? Yes. Karmically? No. You don’t know how enlightened or ignorant you were in your previous lives. Your karma, however, stays with you. If you were near-enlightened before, you should have come back in a (karmic at least) condition that will let you continue that growth. It’s up to you whether you continue forward or take steps backwards.
Are we dependent on our society awakening? Partially. It’ not an individual requirement, but as society evolves, and the overall enlightenment of people rises, I would think it should become easier in general. “A rising tide lifts all boats.” That being said, awakening or Enlightenment is in internal, individual thing, and even if everyone else on Earth were Enlightened, you would still have to make some effort to join them.
One of the most popular posts on this site was Rebirth and Karma, and it explains death and rebirth using an analogy of “waves.” It’s pretty good if I do say so myself. Link
Readers, what say you?
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A Reader Writes:
Message: Hi, my partner has issues with anger and deep regrets in his life. He says that if he hadn’t met me his life would be completely different and he would have been a success. He seems full of hate at times and says terrible things about me and his family, and goes into a rage and I feel scared. He has little contact with any friends and seems bitter and resentful. I feel guilty because maybe it’s true and even though I didn’t intend to cause him harm he seems desperately unhappy with his life with me. I am a nurse and work hard to provide for us, we have a ten year old beautiful daughter and we live in a nice house in a picturesque location. This he says is a trap and he wishes he had a more exciting adventurous life. He does not work as he can’t seem to do an ordinary job. I forgive him time and time again for his behavior and insulting things he says. I try to be compassionate and understand that he must be in pain. I worry for my daughter having to see him being very aggressive and bullying. His doctor says he probably has bipolar disorder and needs medication. My partner says he wants $50,000 from me to start a new life, which I’ve said he can have if I add it to the mortgage. I don’t know if he will really leave. Do you think this man has been sent to me to test my ego and for me to learn loving kindness, and how does my daughter fit into this, is it fair on her? Thank you for any response, I truly appreciate it.
My Response:
(Note: I wrote this about two weeks before posting it online. I know it doesn’t sound especially charitable, but after a two weeks thinking about it, I have a hard time changing anything. Maybe you guys can school me a little bit on this one.)
I teach college, and I heard this kind of story regularly from my female students. What part of my Buddhism do I draw on in this case? None. Sometimes a little down-to-earth tough-love trumps enlightenment.
“Do you think this man has been sent to me to test my ego and for me to learn loving kindness?”
No, I think this man has found you because he’s a leech.
“He does not work as he can’t seem to do an ordinary job”
I see how you didn’t mention any kind of physical disability. I repeat: he’s a leech.
“This he says is a trap and he wishes he had a more exciting adventurous life”
Homelessness is very adventurous. I’d recommend you help him on his way there.
“I worry for my daughter having to see him being very aggressive and bullying”
As you should. You didn’t say he hits you, but abuse comes in many forms.
“My partner says he wants $50,000 from me to start a new life”
Sounds like blackmail. Start the divorce proceedings and see if you end up owing him that much. I suspect not. If you aren’t married, there are other options: restraining order, throwing him out, etc.
Between letters like this and stories from my own students, more and more I just cannot understand why women stay in abusive relationships. You say you are the breadwinner in the house, so you aren’t dependent on him. Why, WHY would you keep this up? If there’s no real way to get rid of him, get yourself and your daughter out of there. Move.
I’m sorry I have nothing particularly “Buddhist” to say today. Maybe the readers can assist with that.
By brian@brianschell.com, on February 13th, 2024
A reader writes:
Hello I’m a fellow Buddhist, I do have a temper and stress problem and always have and have tried to work on it. I have suffered from anxiety since young adulthood, but recently after giving birth to my son have been affected with what doctors think is stress induced IBS. It causes me great pain when under stress (something inevitable with a toddler) and causes a handful of other problems. I can’t just leave to meditate, and I rarely get a minute alone time with the baby, and it’s becoming very confusing, stressful, and devastating to deal with. I know I can not control situations, only my reaction and response to them, but with the daily and constant pain I become unable to cope. I end up yelling or crying, getting upset at my husband when he gets home, or (as I am ashamed to admit) I get upset at my young son, who only does what he does out of pure innocence.
I am very torn, I’ve gone to many doctors, had many surgeries and tests, taken many pills and tried many diet changes. We have found nothing except the guess that it’s stress induced. I’m lost and not sure how to cope with this. I meditate at least once a day, but having to watch a toddler all day means I don’t get much time to relax my body to help with the pain. I was wondering if there is some sort of meditation I can do while still able to watch him, I practice walking meditation when my son is outside walking around, but inside (like cooking for example) I can not cope with tripping over a baby following me, chopping food, handling hot food, watching my feet for toys and brooms he’s gotten out, and trying to get the table set. The accumulative just kills my stomach, causes me to stress more, and gets me upset at someone in the house. I’m not sure how to handle this in an efficient way, and the only thing I really haven’t tried is coping with my sudden stress because I’m not sure how.
Meditation has helped with a lot of issues, but there is no kind that I’m aware of that I can do on the fly, while watching a baby, and doing whatever it is I have to do. I hope maybe you can give me some insight to what to do when this sudden pain causes me to become blind with anger and overwhelmed.
My response to this comes in three parts:
1) The first thing that popped into my mind had nothing to do with Buddhism. When I was little, my parents put me in a thing called a “playpen.” It was essentially a soft, safe “cage” for a child. It seems to me that these have gone out of fashion in modern times, as parents seem to have some aversion to not giving their child infinite freedom. If your son is continually under your feet and leaving toys around while you’re trying to work, then put him in the playpen for a few hours. Once it becomes part of the routine, he’ll come to enjoy it.
2) Another issue I see here is that you are never alone. Everyone needs some “me” time. Maybe it’s used for meditation. Maybe it’s to read a book. Maybe it’s to catch a nap, or a movie, or just to take a walk at the mall. You need time away from your children (and husband too) sometimes. This doesn’t make you a bad mother, it makes you human. The best solution is to get a babysitter to watch your child for a few hours a week. You don’t always have to get a sitter just for special events; get one to watch your child while you go for a walk. If money is tight, try to get a family member to help. You didn’t say anything about your husband trying to help; perhaps he needs to step up a little more. The important thing is to get away.
But since this is a Buddhist site, and not one on parenting advice, I’ll get onto the topic of pain:
3) IBS is a complex condition that has many potential causes and remedies, none of which are perfectly effective. From your letter, I assume you’ve tried various medications without success. That does leave various non-medicinal treatments that may help.
Exercise in general may help with IBS. More specifically to this site, you may want to look into Yoga. I’m told that the various positions, stretches, and exercises have been known to help in the affected areas. Again, this requires some free time on a regular basis.
Personally, I’m not big on pushing meditation as a way to manage pain. Various psychogenic maladies (those caused by the mind or stress) can be reduced through meditation, but for pain caused by actual physical problems, I’d prefer to be under a doctor’s care. The problem with IBS is that the causes are not entirely understood. You say in your letter that you think it’s stress related, so we can work with that.
The first thing I would do is work to get rid of so much stress. Meditation is well and good, but reducing your existing stress is far easier and faster, and probably more important at this stage. My first two points above address that issue to some extent. I get the impression that you want to take up meditation in order to allow you to deal with the growing stress in your life. It seems to me that you’re just trying to dig a bigger hole to fit more stress in. Your goal should be eliminating stress, not enabling yourself to deal with more of it.
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